Screw Dieting.. It's Christmas!
Are you scared of Christmas ruining your hard-earned work this year? Or setting back your progress? Read this before it's too late
Before I dig into this post I want to quickly share with you my Christmas plans
For those of you who don't know, my girlfriend grew up as a Jehovah's Witness
So herself and her 6-year-old boy never celebrated Christmas, birthdays, Halloween or anything fun come to think of it
She couldn't smoke, bet, vote or put up a Christmas tree (Heartbreaking I know)
She left the religion in 2017 which meant she was fair game ;)
I walk in, introduced her to birthday cakes, pumpkin carving, Christmas trees and in Prague, even some of that naughty stuff Bob Marley used to smoke a lot of (alright calm down mum)
Herself and her boy are at my families house this year for Christmas which means this is their second EVER Christmas
So the Banbury's are pulling out all the stops
The Banbury household has more fairy lights up than Picadilly square, more food than an Iceland advert and more guests than a house party at Dan Bilzerian's
We have a strict agenda of food, presents, booze, more presents, followed by booze, games, food and drunken games
And my first piece of advice to my amazing readers is:
Get absolutely sh*t-faced
Eat your body weight in pigs in blankets and roast potatoes
Start drinking at 8:04am
Fall asleep with half a mince pie in your mouth
If you can't feel your heart-beat in your stomach.. you haven't done Christmas right
Honestly, completely screw your diet. 5 years from now you're not going to remember that time you went to the gym on Christmas eve or the time you only ate only one roast potato because you were worried about getting chubs
But do you know what you will remember?
Getting so merry you fall over your half-deflated air mattress and knock over the Christmas tree
Or watching your mum effortlessly neck 7 shots of lemon cello in a drinking game (sorry mum)
If the Banbury's had decided to watch our calories and "be sensible" could we throw the best Christmas imaginable for my amazing girlfriend and her son? Nope
Last Christmas I bought my auntie and uncle a compound bow and arrow and a bottle of Lambrini
We played cards against humanity and I kid you not I heard my 60-year-old auntie say the words "elephant cock"..
My cousin's dog made sweet love to my slippers for a vast majority of the day
And my girlfriend's boy on Boxing day was so overwhelmed by his first-ever Christmas cracker, my whole family pulled one with him
He went home with his body weight in mini playing cards, golf tees, spinning tops and future reading fish
Only at Christmas can these awesome stories be created, so like f*ck am I going to let my amazing readers lose a Christmas because they are too worried about the consequences
I don't care if I put on 10kg this festive period. As long as I have an amazing Christmas with my family, I'm happy
And hey, it would give me something to do come January
So screw "being sensible" this year, enjoy every milli-second and create some damn good memories
And when you go to your gym and see a board up that says something along the lines of "It will take you 10 hours of running to burn off your Christmas dinner this year"
I want you to walk up to the trainer putting it up (preferably while wearing a Christmas hat and a big smile on your face) and say:
"My personal trainer told me to tell you to f*ck off"
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!